Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
