Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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