Tell her she can't have a vagina
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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