I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
