Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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