I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
