Already got asked if we're dating
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
