Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
