Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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