I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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