i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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