i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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