im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
zippers are such a cool invention
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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