Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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