The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
