I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
