what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
this hospital has no fireball
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize