FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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