Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I deserve this hangover.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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