I faked an abortion last night.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
