In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
