Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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