omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
