the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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