I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
