So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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