Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
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I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
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we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
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