this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
