Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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