My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
