I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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