My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
