I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
