I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
