I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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