i already hear my dad disowning me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
