Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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