Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
