whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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