I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
