If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
