The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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