is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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