my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
