Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
