New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
