I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
