I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
