As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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