We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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