I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
