Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
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