Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
