Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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