Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
