I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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