i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
send nudes
from the living room?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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