some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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