sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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