is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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