Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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